If Not Now - an update on Sierra Agape Center

Placing an ad in the AT&T Yellowpages last March was nearly the most challenging thing I have ever tried to accomplish. Almost as challenging as trying to get the lead role in my nursery school play. I still resent being miscast as a shepherd when I should have been Mother Mary and having to wear a dishtowel around my head.

Anyway, it seems At&T was not particularly excited about Sierra Agape Center for Soul-Tending whose mission is to make therapeutic healing services available to people who cannot afford to pay the typical fees for psychotherapy. I decided to offer my services based in the Buddhist Paramita of Dana. There are eight Paramitas, each building upon the next, all intended to extend or open one beyond what is comfortable. Dana is the Paramita of generosity, which in its true meaning, is meant to challenge people to give up what they think they need and give more than they think they have.

I had to make numerous phone calls and leave several warrior-like messages in order to execute my business with AT&T. I don't think they really wanted my business even though I paid all my bills last year. I filed a Chapter 7 which was evident when they looked up my credit report, so I was written off as a bad risk. After my repeated phone calls and messages, I think they went so far as to categorize me as just another crackpot with a weird new idea. But persistence paid off and I finally received a return call from a weary representative who took my order but not without a prior warning that I would not be extended any credit and that I would need to pay in advance for my advertisement. In typical Orphan fashion, I marshalled my dignity and proudly offered my debit card number for my humble space in the AT&T Yellowpages.

Sierra Agape Center was a seed I was too weak to cultivate back in 2007 when I spent far too many hours alone in my old house in Sierraville having conversations with mice. I felt rumblings and callings to change the way in which my profession operated, which became more audible once I began my quest for a PhD in Depth Psychology, but the load of work and school and a badly broken heart left little energy for developing a shift in the way I practiced psychotherapy. Depth Psychological thinking and practice involves a sort of slow process of disrobing and then peeling one's own skin off until nothing is left but raw flesh and bone. It is an alchemical journey of opening door after door after door and greeting the thin line between the underworld and the world in which we live, which is like dancing on the sliver of a new moon. The choice is then to close one's eyes and leap into the abyss, hopefull landing in the small boat which carries you through the night sea journey, or the journey of the soul's whim and beckoning. There is nothing to hold on to, and one's vision no longer belongs only to the eyes, for all the senses are engaged, and the world becomes a landscape of shadows and vales where knowing by seeing is no longer dependable.

In this night sea journey, I was reduced to rubble and had intimate conversations with the question of life or death. When I stirred from this sleep, and found myself still alive, I decided there was no point in living anything less than a truly authentic life. For me, this meant challenging the prevailing paradigms in which psychology is taught and practiced. It also meant living with an undefended heart in all situations whether it be work, play or love. Love was and is especially challenging because I tend to embody the archetype of the Orphan whose shadow aspect is of longing, suffering in love, and of being bereft. However, the lighter side of this archetype is resourceful, abundant and capable of massive love and compassion. I would prefer to embody that. Liberating this aspect requires an undefended heart and moving against the tide of fear of loss.

It is not easy by any means, and will be a daily practice for the rest of my life. Although Sierra Agape Center is my heart's quest, I still struggle with the intertia of fear and the shadow Orphan's tendency to curl up under the roots of a big tree and sob with despair over how harsh the world can be. I still shrink into shyness and frailty at the thought of trying to promote my mission and pitching my ideas to potential grantors because it all seems so complicated. I often feel like Dorothy the Small and Meek trying to convice the wizard to send me home to Kansas when I need to feel and behave like Helen of Troy.

And then there is the reality of paying the bills. My colleagues ask me if my clients pay when given the option to donate what they can and what is affordable. I am delighted to report that all but one or two gladly pay what their pocketbooks can comfortably part with. I am genuinely touched by their devotion to themselves and to spending time with me. Those who say they have no money usually do not return for more than a second session. I am still suspending any solid conclusion as to why that is, but it seems that the majority of clients who seek me out really want to be fair and they are genuinely motivated to learn what they can from the experience of soul-tending. Others may not be quite ready for such a journey.

I could not survive on donations only at this point and am seeking sources of funding to increase my capacity to serve, but I am finding that I love this work more than I ever have. When I doubt myself, I turn my eyes inward to face my heart which asks simply, "If now now, then when will you trust in me?"