When the River Meets the Sea -Re-Vitalizing the Voices of Teenagers

When the river flows into the sea, it becomes part of something greater and the sea welcomes its arrival for this is the reunion, where the river sacrifices itself to become part of the infinite. The river disappears into the depths where there is no certainty of a destination, only a journey. As parents, we are connected by our experience of parenting with all its joy, all its mystery, and the times we are fearful and uncertain. Our children are their own beings, with souls that are being colored and carved by their experiences. We are their shepherds; we are their beacons, but they are not us and they do not belong to us. We are charged with being witnesses of their journeys to the sea where they will become part of the greater consciousness of the world soul. However, it seems our teenage children are trying to tell us something about how we are doing in our role as shepherds. The leading cause of death for teenagers and young adults between the ages of fifteen and twenty five is suicide, which should be shaking us awake from any illusions we might wish to maintain.

This age range represents a pivotal time heavy with cultural expectations for maturity juxtaposed against the realities of each individual teenager’s emotional capacity. Teenagers try to match what the culture expects often at the cost of their self-esteem and sense of self-acceptance. Many teens struggle with body image, sexuality, economic disadvantages and learning problems, depression and severe anxiety, and they often cannot imagine talking about such problems in a way that will provide relief or resolution. The ones who cannot withstand the pressure they feel from peers, parents, the schools and the culture often drop out of school, use substances to cope with emotional pain, join gangs or, as we have all witnessed lately both here in Truckee and all over the United States, more and more teens are choosing suicide as the only way of ending their struggle.
During this time in their lives, teenagers balance expectations of the culture, schools, parents and themselves to choose the paths they will take as adults. American boys are required by law to register for the draft when they reach the age of eighteen. With a war going on, registering for the draft and contemplating possible death in a country thousands of miles away has the potential to be terrifying, yet our culture does not address all the implications of this requirement, selecting only to valorize voluntary military service as a means of achieving success or increasing self-esteem or guaranteeing a college education, if a soldier makes it home again. Many arrive home in pieces, their tender psyches reeling to return to the place left far behind on the threshold between childhood and adulthood.

For teens who leave the school system or who drift after graduating high school with no clear plan for the future and few resources, the world can seem overwhelming and inhospitable. There is little time to dream, imagine and to retreat, perhaps cocooning into a chrysalis for a time to let the lessons sink in. There is only the harshness and rigidity of a frenzied pace to know more, be more and do more. Despite the rumbling in their stomachs, their aching heads and emptied hearts, they press on because they are on this speeding conveyor belt with no “off” button within reach. Teenagers in our culture are a silenced population. They are given no clear role or voice during their most critical developmental years in shaping the world they will inherit; we offer them no part in political decisions that will impact them as adults and we do not give them enough voice in forums where decisions that will impact their lives are made.

The fact that bullying has become an epidemic is not surprising considering that children and teenagers embody and express what adults do not. We are a nation of fearful consumers and ravenous competitors, our eyes turned outward for food that never satisfies the deepening starvation for connection with each other. Our children receive the anxiety like radio waves, and they respond to the frenzied pace with the language available to them, usually behavior. We diagnose it rather than paying attention to what it says about the state of our culture. We identify them as the patients rather than examine ourselves and the world we have brought them into.
According to Angela Diaz, M.D. MPD, director of the Mt. Sinai Adolescent health Center in New York, the population of teenagers between sixteen and twenty four is the most underserved in the United States in terms of health care, preventative care, mental health services and dental care. They are legally adults at the age of eighteen, but unless they are in college, the likelihood is that they will get jobs that pay little more than minimum wage which is barely enough to live on and which do not offer medical benefits to employees. The mental health system has coined the term “transitional age youth” to describe the population of young adults who are suspended in the nether-region between college and adequate earning capability. Minimum wage jobs are inadequate in meeting basic needs let alone health care needs. These are just a few of the barriers that millions of teenagers who will inherit our country are up against.

Our educational system has put its resources and focus on preparing students to pass aptitude tests and less on developing imagination, creativity and the ability to navigate the complex problems of living in this competitive culture beyond high school. Most teenagers I come into contact with express significant fear about what happens when they turn eighteen, especially when they are average or below average in terms of academic performance and uncertain as to whether they want to go to college.

For teens with emotional problems stemming from lack of access to stable caregiving, economic stability and medical care and who have experienced trauma as children, the legal system becomes the de facto parent. Children who break school rules or the law due to violent behavior, drug use or truancy are placed either in foster care or juvenile detention. Many cycle through these systems over and over again until they reach the age of eighteen. Without experiences of loving, caring stable homes, or parents with whom they can speak honestly, these children are released from the juvenile justice system at the age of eighteen and are expected to go out in the world and live according to the laws and expectations of a culture they are unfamiliar with. Some will make it into college or vocational programs against all odds, but most do not. These are the young adults this society fails to recognize and offer resources for healthcare, social support and life skills education in a supportive, safe and nurturing environment.

Although none of this information may apply to you and your teenager(s), the possibilities for any teenager to fall through the cracks and land in the juvenile justice system, homeless or drug involved are statistically higher than they ever have been. That is why it is critically important for parents and teenagers to learn how to talk about the fears and challenges of growing up and out of the family and into the world. Statistically, male teenagers complete suicide more than female teenagers and the reasons for suicide remain the same as they were ten years ago. The CDC cites depression as the main cause and the leading mental health websites (www.nami.org, www.nimh.nih.gov) talk about treatment but do not go into the root causes for depression of which there are many. Because suicide is the leading cause of death for young people between the ages of 15 and 24, it is important for anyone who comes into contact with teenagers to learn the signs of depression and then to be able to effectively gather the people and resources together to be the shepherds and witnesses they need us to be.

The leading root cause for depression in teens has been called “failure to connect,” by the psychological community. Statistics evaluating depression among teens show that if there is just one person, not necessarily a parent, but a coach or a teacher or an extended family member, with whom they can speak openly and feel safe and who can offer them support and unconditional love and care, it often makes the difference between rebounding from depression or not. Other causes for depression include lack of acceptance by peers which includes bullying and violence, failure in school, substance addiction in the family, and sexual abuse.

Because no community is exempt from this epidemic, with smaller communities often being more at risk due to fewer resources or lack of awareness, For Goodness Sake in Truckee is collaborating with me and with teenage representatives from the community to develop a group forum where their voices will predominate. They will be the visionaries and creators of a forum where they can discuss and develop their ideas about where change is needed and how to effectuate it. This proposed group for teens and young adults be created by them and will be guided by their voices. In this forum, our adult voices will not prevail, but by invitation, we will be a witnesses and servants to the imaginations and creativity of our children.

For more information, please email either Andy Hill at For Goodness Sake at Andy@goodnesssake.org, or myself at kcpier@sierraagape.org.

Or call For Goodness Sake at 550-8981