Enough about therapy...let's talk about my petunias

I like to surroound myself with beauty and color. I do not have a garden which is a good thing because it would die a horrible death from neglect, overfeeding or underfeeding of fishy smelling stuff that promises to make up for all one's horticultural deficits. So I have planter boxes and little pots in which I have planted petunias and lobelia. I really took a risk and mixed in some kind of pansy looking thing in some of my wooden pots. And because I am very much for sustainable living in any form, I also planted some cilantro and and basil, imagining myself cutting the leaves with my Martha Stewart shears and creating wonderful soups and sauces. I even have my gardening tools all arranged in a cute little basket out on my front steps so all the neighbors can see how devoted I am to my horticultural development.

So I happily placed my wooden pots of newly planted petunias mixed with pansies and lobelia on my porch. It looked so inviting and welcoming that I could hardly wait to drive into my driveway each evening to see the burst of color coming from the rectangular redwood planter boxes on the porch railing and the little pots along the side of the house leading to the front door filled with basil, cilantro and deep purple petunias.

You cannot imagine my dismay when I opened my front door one morning to take the garbage out. I always have a mild anxiety attack on Monday mornings when it's garbage day because I know he will be here any minute and I must have the recycle bag out and the actual trash out by 7AM or he might pass me by. And then he would think of me as just another lazy female who cannot be bothered to remove her own garbage receptacles from the bear box and place them on the street for easy pick-up.

So I always make sure I haul them out there even when wearing my most hideous pajamas.

Anyway, I opened the front door and looked forward to gazing upon my beautiful basil, cilantro and petunia pots only to discover that they had been ravaged. Nothing but stems remained of my horticultural children. There was but one small leaf remaining of my basil and barely a leaf of my cilantro. My petunias had been eaten down to leaves only, nary a blossom remained.

The culprit? An adorable little bunny rabbit who lives under the house. How could such an adorable little creature do such heinous damage? I was confounded,thinking that bunny rabbits only ate carrots and other vegetables like they do in movies. But petunias? And basil and cilantro? Was I dealing with a bunny rabbit with culinary dreams and a palate like Julia Child's? Mais il est tres impossible!!

But it was true...

My only recourse was to call Richard. Richard is my brother in law, who is not only a horticultural wizard, he also counts birding, mediation, qi gong, wine tasting and home construction among his many gifts.

"Have you tried elevating the petunia pots above bunny rabbit reach?" he inquired, as if I had not already thought of this tactic.

"Why yes, Richard, I have considered that option," I said. "However, I am looking for just the perfect object or system for this purpose and have thus far been unsuccessful. I saw two white bar stools at the thrift store which would have served the functional purpose, however, white bar stools did not fit in with the rustic decor I had in mind."

He was without any other suggestions which was dissapointing because I was certain he might have invented some sort of elixer that was non-poisonous yet extremely foul and objectionable to keep his own herbs and petunias safe.

"Well Richard, don't you use some kind of spray or deterrant for critters that eat your flowers and other important plants such as your cannabis?"

"Yes, but my problem is not bunny rabbits, it's snails. And I retard them."

"What do you mean 'retard'? Do you mean salt? Pouring salt on them?"

"Well, yes. 'Retard' is just the polite word for it."

"So you dissolve the snails with salt," I affirmed.

"Yes...I dissolve them. It is better than using other types of snail retardant products wihich tend to prolong the suffering," he said.

"Sort of like love," I said. "Better to use salt and dissolve the entire fucking thing immediately rather than using some other kind milder poison like lying or something..."

"Well I never thought of it that way, but yes."

"So Richard...I was thinking that if I put carrots in the pots, the bunny rabbits would eat those and get really full and then they would not be hungry for my petunias or my basil. What do you think of that idea?"

"Hmmm...well I suppose it's worth a try. It's just that they might tell all their friends and relations that you're serving carrots and you will be buying a lot of carrots which is okay because you can buy them fairly inexpensively."

"Well I think I will try that approach and see if it works."

Richard was supportive and enthusiastic about this unique way of handling the problem. If the carrot method fails, I will be revisiting the bar stool idea.