The
river flows to the sea and becomes part of something greater. Without the
rivers, the sea would be diminished, thirsty, without revitalization and the
ecosystems would suffer and die as a result of imbalance. As
parents, we are connected by our experience of parenting with all its joy, all
its mystery, and the times we are fearful and uncertain. Our children are their
own beings, with souls that are being colored and carved by their experiences.
We are their shepherds; we are their beacons, but they are not us and they do
not belong to us. As their parents, we are charged with being witnesses of our
teenagers’ journeys to becoming part of the consciousness of the world, the
participants in shaping their cultures according to their vision and values.
When we let go, if we can let go, we cannot
predict the course. On some level we know they must determine that for
themselves; to engage their imaginations, their resourcefulness and their
voices. But how will they learn to use their voices if their predecessors do
not teach them to speak in whatever language expresses them best whether it is
through spoken language, the language of art, music, dance, writing or another
of the imagination’s vehicles?
Transforming the Parent
Relationship – From Knower to Witness
Witnessing
is different than protecting, advising, teaching or telling. For the parent of
a teenager perched on the edge of the nest ready to take the first test flight,
witnessing is an act of refraining. To refrain from speaking, warning,
teaching, advising or telling is to open space for the voices of our teenagers.
To refrain from filling the empty space with our opinions and admonishments
while they search for the right words is to trust that they will find them. Too
often, we extinguish and silence voices that need a quiet host and we fail to
act as curious guests in the imaginations of young minds and hearts. As M.
Scott Peck wrote in his 1988 book “The Road Less Traveled, “Our job is not to
prepare the path of life for our children, but to prepare our children for the
path.”
How Our Culture Affects
Teens
Teenagers
are weighted with cultural expectations for maturity juxtaposed against the
realities of their emotional capacity. Teenagers try to match what the culture
expects often at the cost of their self-esteem and inner peace. Many teens
struggle with body image, sexuality, economic disadvantages, depression and
learning problems, and many cannot imagine talking about these issues will
provide relief or resolution. Those who cannot withstand the pressure from
peers, parents, the schools and the culture often drop out of school, use
substances to cope with emotional pain, join gangs or they decide suicide is
the only way to end their suffering.
American
boys are required by law to register for the draft when they reach the age of
eighteen. When a war is going on, registering for the draft and contemplating
possible death in a country thousands of miles away has the potential to be
terrifying, yet our culture does not address all the implications of this
requirement, selecting only to valorize voluntary military service as a means
of achieving success or increasing self-esteem or guaranteeing a college
education, if a soldier makes it home again. Many arrive home in pieces, their
tender psyches reeling to return to the place left far behind on the threshold
between childhood and adulthood.
Teenagers
struggle to discern their values and expectations with those of the culture,
schools, and parents in trying to create the paths they will take as adults. For
teens who leave the school system or who drift after graduating high school
with no clear plan for the future and few resources, the world can seem
overwhelming and inhospitable. There is little time to dream, imagine and to
retreat, perhaps cocooning into a chrysalis for a time to let the lessons sink
in. There is only the experience of harshness, rigidity of the systems they are
caught up in and our culture’s frenzied pace to know more, be more and do more.
Despite the rumbling in their stomachs, their aching heads and emptied hearts,
they press on keeping pace with a speeding conveyor belt with no “off” button
within reach. American teenagers are a silenced population. They are given no
clear role or voice during their most critical developmental years in shaping
the world they will inherit. They are rarely offered a voice in decisions that
will impact them as adults.
We
are a nation of fearful consumers and ravenous competitors, our eyes turned
outward for food that never satisfies the deepening starvation for connection
with each other. Our children receive the anxiety like radio waves, and they
respond to the frenzied pace with the language available to them, usually
behavior such as bullying or withdrawing into the darker realms. We diagnose it
rather than paying attention to what it says about the state of our culture. We
identify them as the patients rather than examine ourselves and the world we
have brought them into.
The Children Left
Behind
According
to Angela Diaz, M.D. MPD, director of the Mt. Sinai Adolescent health Center in
New York, the population of teenagers between sixteen and twenty four is the
most underserved in the United States in terms of health care, preventative
care, mental health services and dental care.
They are legally adults at the age of eighteen, but unless they are in
college, the likelihood is that they will get jobs that pay little more than
minimum wage, inadequate to live on with no medical benefits. The mental health
system has coined the term “transitional age youth” to describe the population
of young adults who are suspended in the nether-region between being teenagers
who have more access to social services and those 18 and older who are cut off
from services or who cannot get into college and become stuck in survival mode
of minimum wage jobs. These are just a few of the barriers that millions of
teenagers who will inherit our country are up against.
Our
educational system has put its resources and focus on preparing students to
pass aptitude tests and less on developing imagination, creativity and the
ability to navigate the complex problems of living in this competitive culture
beyond high school which for many does not include college. Our children fear
failure because they are not permitted to fail and then retrieve success from
its fallout by accessing their own resilience.
For
teens with emotional problems stemming from lack of access to stable
caregiving, economic stability and medical care and who have experienced trauma
as children, the legal system becomes the de facto parent. Children who break
school rules or the law due to violent behavior, drug use or truancy are placed
either in foster care or juvenile detention. Many cycle through these systems
over and over again until they reach the age of eighteen. Without experiences
of loving, caring stable homes, or parents with whom they can speak honestly,
these children are released from the juvenile justice system at the age of
eighteen and are expected to go out in the world and live according to the laws
and expectations of a culture they are unfamiliar with. Some will make it into
college or vocational programs against all odds, but most do not. These are the
young adults this society fails to recognize and offer resources for
healthcare, social support and life skills education in a supportive, safe and
nurturing environment.
Talking about Suicide
Although none of this information may apply to you and
your teenager (s), the possibilities for any teenager to fall through the
cracks and land in the juvenile justice system, on the streets, or drug
involved is everyone’s concern. It is critically important for adults and
teenagers to speak openly about the fears and challenges of growing up and out
of the family and into the world. Statistically, male teenagers complete
suicide more than female teenagers and the reasons for suicide remain the same
as they were ten years ago. Boys often feel they must have certainty about
their life path by the time they reach the age of 18; the benchmark we have set
determining their ability to be independent.
And although there has been progress in cultivating openness about fear
of growing up, boys are typically not as willing as girls to express such
feelings. The CDC cites depression as the main cause for suicide and that
suicide is the third leading cause of death for teenagers between the ages of
12 and 19 after accidental deaths and homicide. Among the leading causes for
teen depression is discord, violence or abuse in the family, inability to feel
a connection with parents or caregivers, pressure and anxiety associated with
school, and isolation or being ostracized by peers. Statistics evaluating
depression among teens show that if there is just one person, not necessarily a
parent, but a coach or a teacher or an extended family member, with whom they
can speak openly and feel safe and who can offer them support and unconditional
love and care, it often makes the difference between rebounding from depression
or not.
The Transparent Parent
The
river is allowed to make its way to the sea meandering over the land, carving
its way around obstacles, bumping over stones and crashing in great waterfalls
to the valleys below. To watch it and witness its journey is a miracle, a
marvel for all the senses to experience. To stop it by force is to starve it
from creating its own path severing it from its ultimate destination which is
to join with its greater ancestor, the sea. Learning to let go of old ways of
being “the parent,” the knower or the authority is perhaps our greatest and
most terrifying challenge. Transforming the parent relationship means learning
to hold space for the most frightening conversations including depression and
thoughts of suicide. Trusting ourselves in the action of refraining requires
relentless faith that simply listening and holding space goes a long way,
perhaps even preventing the desperation and depression from eating our children
alive. An undefended and open heart is always an invitation even for the most
reluctant visitor. The changing role of parenting as our children open their
wings is an opportunity to show our humanity and fallibility and to choose
humility rather than hubris, to hold sacred the role of being the one they want
to come to first when life seems overwhelming.
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